“You know, when you were a baby in your crib, your father looked down upon you and had one wish: ‘Someday my son will grow up to be a man’….”
Coach Harris (John Goodman) in “Revenge of the Nerds”
The rules are simple: eat a 3-pound hamburger and a pound of french fries in under 60 minutes.
If successful, the participant receives “2 free meals towards futures visits, 1 free t-shirt stating your victory, and undeniable respect from friends, family and colleagues alike”.
If unsuccessful, the participant is out $19.99 (plus tax) and must face a lifetime of shame from those same “friends, family and colleagues alike”.
This is the Fuddruckers 3-lb. Burger Challenge.
I’m not exactly sure when Fuddruckers started this challenge but it’s something that I’ve wanted to do, err, accomplish for over 4 years. Last night – Fat Tuesday 2013 – was my time to shine.
When they brought out in what only can be described as the mammoth mountain of food, I was, let’s say, anxious. Not scared, but certainly not the over-confident bastard that sat down a few minutes prior.
Fuddruckers claims to have the World’s Greatest Hamburgers. No doubt they make a good piece of cow. Yet starring at the giant 3-lb. meat loaf was quite intimidating.
After prepping the beast with mayo, ketchup and some onions – and cutting it into quarters – I begun the challenge; my quest to make history.
Things started out well enough. In 20 minutes, I had half the burger consumed and perhaps a third of the fries. At that point, a bit of heartburn began to kick in but my mind (and stomach) kept screaming “Continue on!”
And so I did.
Yet soon after, I came to a screeching halt. It wasn’t so much that I hit the proverbial “wall”. I certainly didn’t consider myself “full”. Rather, the food became extremely dry and chewing and swallowing became difficult.
I stared down at my plate which was easily 3/4 empty. I was close and still had about 25 minutes on the clock.
Yet I knew it was time to cue Adele.
I drank some water. I took a few minutes’ break. And although I battled on, the end-result became quite apparent.
In the case of Man vs. the Fuddruckers 3-pound burger challenge… sadly, on this night, food won.
Within minutes, though, I ate part of a M&M cookie no problem. And quite honestly, I had a taste for a milkshake. I think if the remaining food had been sweet, finishing would’ve been a snap. I think.
I truly believe that age was the biggest factor here. As a teenager – or even in kollidge – I was a bottomless pit. Most kids that age are. Yet as one gets older, the body begins imposing limitations that takes the brain a while to acknowledge.
Still. NOT trying isn’t an option. I’ll be back. Maybe not for another go at the Fuddruckers challenge (then again, who knows?) but certainly for future challenges that help make the usual daily grind called life that much more interesting.
“Well, if I were you I would do something about it. I would get up and redeem myself in the eyes of my father, my Maker, and my coach.”
end of Coach Harris’ speech